The end is Neigh…

The end is Neigh…

"I'll kill you!" he screamed, "You want my vote? I vote for you to die you bastard!" Somewhere on the other side of the fence a beer bottle shattered on the concrete of their patio. A scuffle ensued but was quickly ended when Nancy came out back and threatened to castrate the two men if any of the broken glass ended up deflating her new swimming pool.

Bill and Marty are good people. Fine Americans. Bill, who retired from the Chicago Police Department last year, likes to spend these early days of his golden years on the back porch of his two-story brownstone house on Chicago's north side. Marty, who is Bill's younger brother, is a mildly retarded but coherent alcoholic who does not have a job and collects stray animals. When the weather is good, as it has been in Chicago this summer, Bill and Marty get blindingly drunk and discuss politics. This invariably ends in death threats and broken glass, and Nancy, Bill's wife, cursing the two of them and breaking it up.

This highly partisan and misinformed punditry carries on well into the evening most nights, much to the chagrin of the neighbors in the buildings next-door. I am one of these neighbors, but unlike my colleagues I admire these men for the strength of their convictions. It takes a lot to kill a man. Much less a man who is your own flesh and blood. To do so, or even threaten to do so over a political difference requires the sort of brass that is lacking in our society. Or at least lacking until recently.

In many ways, Bill and Marty mirror the general mood of the American voting public in this election season: highly polarized, feverishly supportive of their candidate, and lacking in what can only be called common sense. The nation has been drinking on the back porch in the heat all day, and it is only a matter of time before things get ugly, brothers kill brothers, and the air goes out of the inflatable pool again. But I am getting ahead of myself here.

Bill seems to have the Democratic ticket summarized in one word. To him, John Kerry and John Edwards are "Haircuts." He has spoken for hours to this effect, and not without a certain touch of eloquence. It is his contention that Kerry and Edwards are nothing but a fashionable comb-over that does nothing for the bald spot on the American Soul. He claims that the Democrats lack substance and decisiveness, and even points to photographs of Kerry in the 1960's as proof that hair is the real issue on their platform.

Marty, who is rarely seen without his tasseled leather vest and long, dirty hair, done up in a ponytail, takes offence to this characterization. To him the world is surprisingly less black and white. He will often speak of the plight of the workingman whose factories have closed under the Bush administration's economic policies. When Marty is reminded that he has not personally held, nor sought gainful employment in over 3 years things usually digress into a war of personal attacks and empty threats.

The simple truth that both of these men often fail to see is that they are far more alike than different. There is a certain vein of patriotism and conviction that runs through the two of them like it ran through Teddy Roosevelt. In fact, it's not hard to imagine them as two Rough Riders, enjoying a few too many after a hard day of charging hills and vanquishing enemies for the advancement of US imperialistic efforts. Perhaps in another life these two were brothers on opposite sides of the Civil War. Insulting one another and heaving beer bottles at each other across the fields of Gettysburg.

Luckily for them, Nancy has them both by the balls. No matter how ridiculous they get in the heat of early August, fueled by hours of light beer and confused talk, Nancy will always bring the hammer down and prevent what would otherwise be nothing short of a disaster. Be it reality television or Internet pornography, whatever holds us, as a nation, back from this brink is a very special and uniquely American thing. Where else in the world is it more acceptable to hate your next-door neighbor, your brother, and your coworkers on the basis of philosophical and political differences? Election season in America makes heroes of a few of us, and jackasses of the rest. And with the convention season upon us it is only bound to get worse. It is in these times that I am reminded of the words of Illinois favorite son, Abraham Lincoln, when he said, "A house divided against it self cannot stand." Curiously, it stands anyway.

KK